Dear Me

Every time Cru falls asleep, I find myself either... 1. Writing on my LettersToCru blog or 2. Searching for other enjoyable blogs to read that leave me uplifted.
Last night, as Cru so perfectly slept in my arms - I found one of those blogs. The most recent post was a letter she wrote herself when her baby turned 9 months. However, the letter was what she would have written to herself if she could go back to just before her child was born.

I wanted to write one too...

Dear Me,

The last couple of weeks many have wished upon you that your baby would come early. You kindly responded that you want him to come when he is ready and fully developed. Your want of a perfect, healthy baby boy will be fulfilled. In fact, he will be late.

You will prove to yourself that you are braver and more capable than you have EVER given yourself credit for. All those many articles and books you have read on vaginal deliveries, hours of pushing, maybe a little tearing - even making the 'pushing' face in the mirror to see what you would like...are all pointless. Braveness will come as you so willingly lie on a table as some of the best, perform major surgery on you, so that your little one doesn't get sick. Your body will experiance pain and ecstast at the magnitute of which in currently unimaginable, a pain you have never felt.

It will instantly sink in the he really does belong to you. And, it is more amazing than you ever dreamed of it being. Things will come naturally. You will be overprotective. Family prayers will make you weep as you and Casey pray for help and guidance, for health and happiness for your most prized possession.

You think you love Casey now - but, you will be amazed at how much more you will love him. You thought you had the best husband, but you will soon find out that you found the most amazing man to father your children. He will give everything he has in caring for you and your baby.

Your thoughts on a million different topics will change drastically. What makes you happy. What constitutes as a successful day. What others think (you really wont care). How much sleep you need to function. What you believe to be your strengths and your weaknesses. What's important. What's not.

People tell you that you have no idea what love is until you hold your child in your arms. And right now, you nod your head and smile...but inside you believe you have a pretty good idea. Soon enough - there he will be - that faint little cry that brings a smile to your face - his brand new skin against yours - his smell that you can't get enough of - the first rise and falls of him breathing on your chest. And you will realize that they were all right. Absolutely right. You had no idea. Not a clue.

In a couple of weeks, routine will start to settle in and you will look in the mirror, the girl looking back will be the same. She'll have the same annoying habits, the same faults, will care much less about herself and well being - But, she'll learn something about herself that you don't know yet...despite your many flaws and shortcomings, you turn out to be a damn (a word you would never let cross your lips in the presence of your baby)...but you turn out to be a damn good mother. Know it, take pride in it. You'll still find yourself constantly praying for guidance, but have faith that on the journey you'll find your way.

Love,
The eventual you.